On a frosty winter’s night a wagon appeared at the gates of Fort Klugman, carrying pioneers to the frontier
A young woman in the party called Delia was heavy with child.
And though she had journeyed with the virile young men for nigh on one year none had lain with her, though she was comely.
And on this frosty winter’s night young Delia’s water broke Almost freezing her to the seat of the wagon.
And the pioneers beseeched the soldiers to grant them entrance so that she could give birth to her child in the hospital there.
But due to an outbreak of syphilis among the soldiers the hospital was full.
So there in the stable, among the feed and tack and eh, whatsits… Delia gave birth to a son. Whom she called Alvis as was her wont.
And since none of the men in the party was the father it was decided among them that the birth of this child must truly be a miracle.
And it was so. For above the fort there suddenly and miraculously appeared an awesome and mighty comet.
And so brilliant was its light that there came from all the tribes which the soldiers had not yet decimated Shamans.
And they rode upon buffalo as was their heathen custom. Bearing each offerings of whiskey and firearms.
And when the shaman saw the child they were in awe for he glowed as if bathed in a light that was truly not of this world.
— As told by Captain Hazel ‘Hank’ Murphy, Sealab 2021
Now drink with me deeply of the bourbon, scotch, and rye until such time as we are fighting drunk. Then we shall find, and beat the asses of, the nonbelievers who ruined my feast.