Merry F@#%in’ Christmas

Old Saint Nick’s got Bourbon breath
It’s so cold you could catch your death
A cop sold me some crystal meth

It’s a merry f**kin’ Christmas

Everything’s so Criss-muss-ee
The streets are twinkling with frozen pee
My priest just sat on Santa’s knee
It’s a merry f**kin’ Christmas

All the kids go to bed each night
To dream what Santa brings ’em
Unless they’re Jewish or Muslim
Or some other gyp religion

Crappy toys flyin’ off the shelves
Midgets dressed up to look like elves
Spread good cheer or burn in Hell
It’s a merry f**kin’ Christmas

Cracklin’ fires to keep me warm
And my collection of Asian porn
Cradle my bells and work my horn
It’s a keep-on-truckin’
Last-year-suckin’
Midget-chuckin’
Slap-the-puckin’
How-much-wood-could-a-woodchuck-chuckin’
Merrrry fuuuuckin’ Christmaaaaaas

— Denis Leary

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Happy Holidays

Christmas is an awfulness that compares favorably with the great London plague and fire of 1665-66. No one escapes the feelings of mortal dejection, inadequacy, frustration, loneliness, guilt and pity. No one escapes feeling used by society, by religion, by friends and relatives, by the utterly artificial responsibilities of extending false greetings, sending banal cards, … Continue reading “Happy Holidays”

Happy Thanksgiving

Grumpy Thanksgiving

Top Ten Thanksgiving Movies in Times Square

  1. Turkey Sluts

  2. The Pantsless Pilgrim

  3. Debbie Does the Old Plymouth Colony

  4. Jurassic Pork

  5. Eat This

  6. Candy and Her Yams

  7. The Master Baster

  8. Three Men and a Drumstick

  9. Stuffing Miss Daisy

  10. Butterballs

— David Letterman

If you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, “Boy, these are good cigars!”
— Jack Handey

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