It really doesn’t feel like summer until I’ve made myself feel sick from eating too much bratwurst.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan)
God's given me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well.
-- The Shoveler
Will you look at those morons? I paid my taxes over a year ago! — Homer J. Simpson
Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you’d like to hear it I can sing it for you. — HAL 9000 (2001: A … Continue reading “HAL’s Birthday”
While eight flying reindeer are a hard pill to swallow, our Christmas story remains relatively simple. Santa lives with his wife in a remote polar village and spends one night a year traveling around the world. If you’re bad, he leaves you coal. If you’re good and live in America, he’ll give you just about … Continue reading “Dutch Christmas”
Christmas is an awfulness that compares favorably with the great London plague and fire of 1665-66. No one escapes the feelings of mortal dejection, inadequacy, frustration, loneliness, guilt and pity. No one escapes feeling used by society, by religion, by friends and relatives, by the utterly artificial responsibilities of extending false greetings, sending banal cards, … Continue reading “Happy Holidays”
Enjoy your Easter eggs but don’t forget the true meaning behind it all. It’s because Humpty Dumpty died for our sins. Or something like that. — Ricky Gervais (via Facebook)
As all good Christians know, on the third day Jesus emerged from the tomb, appeared before his disciples, squatted and laid a brilliantly colored Easter egg. — Stephen Colbert
March 4th, the only day that is also a sentence.
— John Green