Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
-- Dave Barry
Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you’d like to hear it I can sing it for you. — HAL 9000 (2001: A … Continue reading “HAL’s Birthday”
Christmas is an awfulness that compares favorably with the great London plague and fire of 1665-66. No one escapes the feelings of mortal dejection, inadequacy, frustration, loneliness, guilt and pity. No one escapes feeling used by society, by religion, by friends and relatives, by the utterly artificial responsibilities of extending false greetings, sending banal cards, … Continue reading “Happy Holidays”
I believe the Republicans have never thought that democracy was anything but a tribal myth. — Hunter S. Thompson
And don’t ever fucking send me a Breitbart link to prove your point. That’s like sending someone a sack of rabbit heads to prove you’re not insane. — The Rude Pundit
Will you look at those morons? I paid my taxes over a year ago! — Homer J. Simpson
It really doesn’t feel like summer until I’ve made myself feel sick from eating too much bratwurst.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan)
While eight flying reindeer are a hard pill to swallow, our Christmas story remains relatively simple. Santa lives with his wife in a remote polar village and spends one night a year traveling around the world. If you’re bad, he leaves you coal. If you’re good and live in America, he’ll give you just about … Continue reading “Dutch Christmas”