21 Jun 2026
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.
-- Samuel Johnson
20 Jun 2026
Trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and begging and pleading for favors. 'Do this' 'Gimme that' 'I want a new car' 'I want a better job'. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday. And I say fine, pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down schmuck with a two dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? 'Well it's god's will. God's will be done.' Fine, but if it gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and get right to his will?
-- George Carlin
19 Jun 2026
Bender's a genius!
-- Bender Unit 22
18 Jun 2026
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
-- Douglas Adams
17 Jun 2026
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
-- Donald E. Knuth
16 Jun 2026
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
-- Mark Twain
15 Jun 2026
Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
-- Berry Kercheval
14 Jun 2026
I think the best indication that there is no God is that Stevie Ray Vaughan got killed and Celine Dion reproduced.
-- Kevin Enns (SKEPTIC Mailing List)
13 Jun 2026
Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.
-- Aldous Huxley
12 Jun 2026
Ah, there's nothing like the first cup of dumpster juice in the morning!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg
11 Jun 2026
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
-- Dave Barry
10 Jun 2026
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-- Stephen Wright
09 Jun 2026
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
-- David Letterman
08 Jun 2026
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.
-- Orson Welles
07 Jun 2026
I call this turf 'n' turf. It's a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.
-- Ron Swanson
06 Jun 2026
I have to admit I have a monkey on my back. It represents my crippling addiction to monkeys.
-- Stephen Colbert
05 Jun 2026
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
-- Groucho Marx
04 Jun 2026
Don't mess with the volcano my man, 'cause I will go Pompeii on your... butt.
-- Mr. Furious
03 Jun 2026
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
-- James Joyce
02 Jun 2026
The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on.
-- Joseph Heller
01 Jun 2026
Don't tell me God works in mysterious ways. There's nothing so mysterious about it. He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about- a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverance can you have for a Supreme being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of creation? What in the world was going through that warped, evil, scatalogical mind of His when He robbed old people of the ability to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain....
Who created the dangers? Oh, He was really being charitable to us when He gave us pain! Why couldn't He have used a doorbell instead to notify us, or one of His celestial choirs? Or a system of red and blue neon tubes right in the middle of each person's forehead?....
They certainly look beautiful now, writhing in agony or stupified with morphine, don't they? What a colossal, immortal blunderer! When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering. It's obvious He never met a payroll. Why,no self-respecting businessman would hire a bungler like Him as even a shipping clerk!
-- Yossarian (Catch-22, Joseph Heller)
31 May 2026
I'm starting to suspect there's more than one tri-state area.
-- Stephen Colbert
30 May 2026
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-- Douglas Adams
29 May 2026
When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both.
-- Al Franken
28 May 2026
When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III
27 May 2026
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
-- David Letterman
26 May 2026
If you don't live it, It won't come out of your horn.
-- Charlie Parker
25 May 2026
Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here; turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale!
-- Ron Swanson
24 May 2026
Normally, I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III
23 May 2026
The concept of the rock-guitar solo in the eightees has pretty much been reduced to: Weedly-weedly-wee, make a face, hold your guitar like it's your weenie, point it heavenward, and look like you're really doing something. Then, you geta big ovation while the the smoke bombs go off, and the motorized lights in your truss twirl around.
-- Frank Zappa
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