Last 30 Quotes of the Day

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17 Nov 2019

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
-- George Carlin


16 Nov 2019

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
-- Scottish proverb


15 Nov 2019

It's like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.
-- Derek Smalls


14 Nov 2019

When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest.
-- Bullwinkle Moose


13 Nov 2019

When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters, always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get back plenty in return.
-- Homer J. Simpson


12 Nov 2019

The so-called Christian nations are the most enlightened and progressive...but in spite of their religion, not because of it. The Church has opposed every innovation and discovery from the day of Galileo down to our own time, when the use of anesthetic in childbirth was regarded as a sin because it avoided the biblical curse pronounced against Eve. And every step in astronomy and geology ever taken has been opposed by bigotry and superstition. The Greeks surpassed us in artistic culture and in architecture five hundred years before Christian religion was born.
-- Mark Twain


11 Nov 2019

OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
-- Bender Unit 22


10 Nov 2019

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
-- Steven Wright


09 Nov 2019

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
-- Rodney Dangerfield


08 Nov 2019

Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever.
-- Albert Einstein


07 Nov 2019

They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"


06 Nov 2019

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.


05 Nov 2019

In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
-- Douglas Adams


04 Nov 2019

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
-- Stephen Wright


03 Nov 2019

It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
-- Mark Twain


02 Nov 2019

When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both.
-- Al Franken


01 Nov 2019

Hipness is not a state of mind, It's a fact of life!
-- Cannonball Adderley


31 Oct 2019

The general root of superstition is that men observe when things hit, and not when they miss, and commit to memory the one, and pass over the other.
-- Sir Francis Bacon


30 Oct 2019

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.
-- Ron Swanson


29 Oct 2019

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
-- Mark Twain


28 Oct 2019

I won't say anything because no one ever listens to me anyway. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record.
-- Neil Pye


27 Oct 2019

You men, the next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergymans rate.
-- George Carlin


26 Oct 2019

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla.
-- Mitch Ratcliffe


25 Oct 2019

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
-- Stephen Wright


24 Oct 2019

When the music changes, so does the dance.
-- African proverb


23 Oct 2019

You can't crush ideas by suppressing them. You can only crush them by ignoring them.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin


22 Oct 2019

Creationist critics often charge that evolution cannot be tested, and therefore cannot be viewed as a properly scientific subject at all. This claim is rhetorical nonsense.
-- Stephen Jay Gould (Dinosaur in a Haystack)


21 Oct 2019

The study of theology, as it stands in Christian churches, is the study of nothing; it is founded on nothing; it rests on no principles; it proceeds by no authorities; it has no data; it can demonstrate nothing; and it admits of no conclusion.
-- Thomas Paine (The Age of Reason, 1794)


20 Oct 2019

Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century, and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practise.
-- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual


19 Oct 2019

She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit.
-- W. Somerset Maugham


ALFRED JARRY! Say something about th' DEATH of DISCO!!