26 Sep 2026
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
-- Douglas Adams
25 Sep 2026
The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
-- Mark Twain
24 Sep 2026
Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
-- Charles Mingus
23 Sep 2026
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
-- Jack Handey
22 Sep 2026
The human mind is a dangerous plaything, boys. When it's used for evil, watch out! But when it's used for good, then things are much nicer.
-- The Tick
21 Sep 2026
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
-- Ezekiel 23:20
20 Sep 2026
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
-- David Letterman
19 Sep 2026
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
-- H.L. Mencken
18 Sep 2026
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson
17 Sep 2026
In the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan
16 Sep 2026
That chill, my young non-friend, is probably the cold breath of the reaper breathing down your neck.
-- Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy
15 Sep 2026
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-- Mark Twain
14 Sep 2026
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
-- Paula Poundstone
13 Sep 2026
Blasphemy is an epithet bestowed by superstition upon common sense.
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
12 Sep 2026
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
-- George Carlin
11 Sep 2026
We are number one! All others are number two, or lower.
-- The Sphinx
10 Sep 2026
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
-- Doug Larson
09 Sep 2026
I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. Why, we're like one of those classic, famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III
08 Sep 2026
This so-called "new religion" is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate!
-- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy
07 Sep 2026
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
06 Sep 2026
It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.
-- Frank Zappa
05 Sep 2026
Mmmm, purple.
-- Homer J. Simpson
04 Sep 2026
In a mad world only the mad are sane.
-- Akira Kurosawa
03 Sep 2026
In Washington, only two kinds of religion are tolerated: vague beliefs strongly affirmed and strong beliefs vaguely expressed.
-- Eugene McCarthy
02 Sep 2026
The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
-- Ron Swanson
01 Sep 2026
In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.
-- Mark Twain
31 Aug 2026
What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"
-- Terry Pratchett (Pyramids)
30 Aug 2026
What I envy most about tater tots is the way they stay young and innocent forever.
-- Stephen Colbert
29 Aug 2026
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
-- Emo Philips
28 Aug 2026
That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn.
-- Hillel the Elder
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