Last 30 Quotes of the Day

27 Sep 2023

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
-- Douglas Adams

26 Sep 2023

The future ain't what it used to be.
-- Yogi Berra

25 Sep 2023

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
-- Jack Handey

24 Sep 2023

Way to go Sparks, you broke the monitor and you're dead. Happy?
-- Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy

23 Sep 2023

Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help.
-- Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy

22 Sep 2023

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
-- Jack Handey

21 Sep 2023

As great scientists have said and as all children know, it is above all by the imagination that we achieve perception, and compassion, and hope.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

20 Sep 2023

The whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful.
-- Ron Swanson

19 Sep 2023

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.
-- Frank Zappa

18 Sep 2023

Trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and begging and pleading for favors. 'Do this' 'Gimme that' 'I want a new car' 'I want a better job'. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday. And I say fine, pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down schmuck with a two dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? 'Well it's god's will. God's will be done.' Fine, but if it gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and get right to his will?
-- George Carlin

17 Sep 2023

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it.
-- Richard P. Feynman

16 Sep 2023

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
-- David Letterman

15 Sep 2023

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
-- Jack Handey

14 Sep 2023

The priests used to say that faith can move mountains, and nobody believed them. Today the scientists say that they can level mountains, and nobody doubts them.
-- Joseph Campbell

13 Sep 2023

You can't crush ideas by suppressing them. You can only crush them by ignoring them.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

12 Sep 2023

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
-- George Carlin

11 Sep 2023

Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century, and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practise.
-- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual

10 Sep 2023

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
-- Jack Handey

09 Sep 2023

Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal.
-- Zaphod Beeblebrox

08 Sep 2023

Brought to you by the Booze Council - because Booze really satisfies.
-- Tom Servo

07 Sep 2023

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

06 Sep 2023

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
-- Stephen Wright

05 Sep 2023

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
-- Mark Twain

04 Sep 2023

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin

03 Sep 2023

The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.
-- Sir Richard F. Burton

02 Sep 2023

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
-- Jack Handey

01 Sep 2023

You must've torn out the "Q" section in my dictionary, because I don't know the meaning of the word "quit"!
-- Mr. Furious

31 Aug 2023

You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!
-- Eros (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

30 Aug 2023

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up like crabgrass all over the United States.
-- Dave Barry

29 Aug 2023

OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
-- Bender Unit 22

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