11 Nov 2026
Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
-- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
10 Nov 2026
Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.
-- Ron Swanson
09 Nov 2026
The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.
-- Dave Barry
08 Nov 2026
Yeah man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It's real easy, man.
-- Boomhauer
07 Nov 2026
I wonder what the Shroud Of Turin tastes like.
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg
06 Nov 2026
I really only listen to like, German death reggae, and Halloween sound effects records from the 1950s... and Bette Midler, obviously.
-- April Ludgate
05 Nov 2026
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
-- Groucho Marx
04 Nov 2026
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
-- Dave Barry
03 Nov 2026
I love timbersports! They combine the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and the threat of amputation!
-- Stephen Colbert
02 Nov 2026
Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a woman.
-- James T. Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9
01 Nov 2026
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
-- Jack Handey
31 Oct 2026
The language and concepts contained herein are guaranteed not to cause eternal torment in the place where the guy with the horns and pointed stick conducts his business.
-- Frank Zappa
30 Oct 2026
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager."
-- William S. Burroughs
29 Oct 2026
A man is as old as the woman he feels.
-- Groucho Marx
28 Oct 2026
Physicists like to think that all you have to do is say, these are the conditions, now what happens next?
-- Richard P. Feynman
27 Oct 2026
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
-- Mark Twain
26 Oct 2026
A composer is a guy who goes around forcing his will on unsuspecting air molecules,often with the assistence of unsuspecting musicians.
-- Frank Zappa
25 Oct 2026
Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.
-- Homer J. Simpson
24 Oct 2026
Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
23 Oct 2026
Warning: George Michael STILL wants your sex. He never rescinded the order! Stay vigilant.
-- Bill Corbett
22 Oct 2026
Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.
-- H.L. Mencken
21 Oct 2026
Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
-- Dante Hicks
20 Oct 2026
I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III
19 Oct 2026
I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!
-- Homer J. Simpson
18 Oct 2026
This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke: It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!
-- Homer J. Simpson
17 Oct 2026
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
-- W. C. Fields
16 Oct 2026
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
-- Terry Pratchett
15 Oct 2026
History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.
-- Ron Swanson
14 Oct 2026
There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.
-- Ron Swanson
13 Oct 2026
Cannibals prefer those who have no spines.
-- Stanislaw Lem
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