Last 30 Quotes of the Day


21 May 2024

When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III


20 May 2024

I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
-- Police Chief Clancy Wiggum


19 May 2024

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
-- William Shakespeare (The Merchant of Venice)


18 May 2024

Sham Harga had run a succesful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realizing that most of his customers wanted meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease, and burnt crunchy bits.
-- Terry Pratchett (Men at Arms)


17 May 2024

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.

-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"


16 May 2024

I think the best indication that there is no God is that Stevie Ray Vaughan got killed and Celine Dion reproduced.
-- Kevin Enns (SKEPTIC Mailing List)


15 May 2024

You drank beer, you played golf, you watched football - WE EVOLVED!
-- Frank Zappa


14 May 2024

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
-- Stephen Wright


13 May 2024

As great scientists have said and as all children know, it is above all by the imagination that we achieve perception, and compassion, and hope.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin


12 May 2024

One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)


11 May 2024

You can cite a hundred references to show that the biblical God is a bloodthirsty tyrant, but if they can dig up two or three verses that say "God is love," they will claim that *you* are taking things out of context!
-- Dan Barker (Losing Faith in Faith)


10 May 2024

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
-- Jack Handey


09 May 2024

In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people... the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing...
-- Nigel Tufnel


08 May 2024

I've recently noticed "as if for the first time" that when people pray they always look "upward" -- i.e. perpendicular to whatever place they're standing -- or kneeling or groveling. I deduce that they conceive of their "god" as topologically isomorphic to a huge donut, about a thousand miles wider than Earth.
-- Robert Anton Wilson


07 May 2024

There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.
-- Ron Swanson


06 May 2024

I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an honest difference of opinion.
-- Isaac Asimov


05 May 2024

Don't start an argument with somebody who has a microphone when you don't. They'll make you look like chopped liver.
-- Harlan Ellison


04 May 2024

I regard monotheism as the greatest disaster ever to befall the human race. I see no good in Judaism, Christianity, or Islam -- good people, yes, but any religion based on a single, well, frenzied and virulent god, is not as useful to the human race as, say, Confucianism, which is not a religion but an ethical and educational system.
-- Gore Vidal


03 May 2024

Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
-- Bob & Ray


02 May 2024

The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.
-- Frank Zappa


01 May 2024

Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma! in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutie the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III


30 Apr 2024

They say no man is an island. False! I am an island, and this island is volcanic, and it's about to erupt with the hot molten lava of strategy.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III


29 Apr 2024

I have a hernia. I've had it for a while. And I've been ignoring it... successfully, but this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don't move my head, or torso, I'm good. I got this.
-- Ron Swanson


28 Apr 2024

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
-- Arthur C. Clarke


27 Apr 2024

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
-- Robert Orben


26 Apr 2024

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
-- Jack Handey


25 Apr 2024

First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time.
-- Honore de Balzac


24 Apr 2024

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
-- Jack Handey


23 Apr 2024

If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate.
-- Diogenes the Cynic


22 Apr 2024

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
-- Donald E. Knuth

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