Last 30 Quotes of the Day

Add this site’s quote of the day to your page with Javascript


14 Oct 2019

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait... wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?
-- Ron Swanson


13 Oct 2019

Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt.
-- Sandra Boynton


12 Oct 2019

A woman like that you gotta romance first!
-- Bender Unit 22


11 Oct 2019

When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues.
-- Honore de Balzac


10 Oct 2019

Let's not be too tough on our own ignorance. It's the thing that makes America great. If America weren't incomparably ignorant, how could we have tolerated the last eight years?
-- Frank Zappa


09 Oct 2019

Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-- Mark Twain


08 Oct 2019

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.
-- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)


07 Oct 2019

You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!
-- Max Bialystock


06 Oct 2019

There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
-- Terry Pratchett (The Truth)


05 Oct 2019

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
-- Harlan Ellison


04 Oct 2019

This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasnt the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
-- Douglas Adams


03 Oct 2019

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
-- Jack Handey


02 Oct 2019

Mmmm...open faced club sand wedge.
-- Homer J. Simpson


01 Oct 2019

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
-- Jack Handey


30 Sep 2019

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
-- George Carlin


29 Sep 2019

Adventure is just bad planning.
-- Roald Amundsen


28 Sep 2019

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
-- Jack Handey


27 Sep 2019

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
-- Jack Handey


26 Sep 2019

The whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful.
-- Ron Swanson


25 Sep 2019

What are all of us but self-reproducing robots? We have been put together by our genes and what we do is roam the world looking for a way to sustain ourselves and ultimately produce another robot child.
-- Richard Dawkins


24 Sep 2019

The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.
-- Seth MacFarlane


23 Sep 2019

Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
-- John Stuart Mill


22 Sep 2019

There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare


21 Sep 2019

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
-- Bertrand Russell


20 Sep 2019

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
-- Jack Handey


19 Sep 2019

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
-- Dorothy Parker


18 Sep 2019

In the begining there was nothing, and it exploded.
-- Terry Pratchett


17 Sep 2019

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith


16 Sep 2019

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
-- Jack Handey


15 Sep 2019

Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their religions.
-- Benjamin Spock


Let's climb to the TOP of that MOUNTAIN and think about STRIP MINING!!