12 Aug 2026
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
-- Jack Handey
11 Aug 2026
Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
10 Aug 2026
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
-- Stephen Wright
09 Aug 2026
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
-- Jack Handey
08 Aug 2026
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
-- Mark Twain
07 Aug 2026
How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by a waiter at a nice party?
Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on.
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
06 Aug 2026
In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's kissing him on the balls.
-- Harry Caray
05 Aug 2026
If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate.
-- Diogenes the Cynic
04 Aug 2026
It was amazing, this mystic business. You tell them a lie, and then when you don't need it anymore you tell them another lie and tell them they're progressing along the road to wisdom. Then instead of laughing they follow you even more, hoping that at the heart of all the lies they'll find the truth. And bit by bit they accept the unacceptable. Amazing.
-- Terry Pratchett (Guards! Guards!)
03 Aug 2026
I have examined all the known superstitions of the world, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology.
-- Thomas Jefferson
02 Aug 2026
Ethics are so annoying. I avoid them on principle.
-- Darby Conley
01 Aug 2026
It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.
-- Homer J. Simpson
31 Jul 2026
It is said that the civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that by learned discourse, he may rise above the savage, and be closer to God. Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me that I'm best.
-- Edmund, Lord Blackadder (Blackadder II)
30 Jul 2026
I hate people who love me. And they hate me.
-- Bender Unit 22
29 Jul 2026
In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
-- Pliny the Elder
28 Jul 2026
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
-- Aldous Huxley
27 Jul 2026
No. Men should die for lies. But the truth is too precious to die for.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)
26 Jul 2026
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
-- Jack Handey
25 Jul 2026
Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III
24 Jul 2026
Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
-- John Stuart Mill
23 Jul 2026
Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
-- Dave Barry
22 Jul 2026
I want to share something with you -- the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss." Number three, "It was like that when I got here."
-- Homer J. Simpson
21 Jul 2026
Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their religions.
-- Benjamin Spock
20 Jul 2026
Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk!
-- Bender Unit 22
19 Jul 2026
As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, "I'm getting fed up."
-- Vyvyan Basterd
18 Jul 2026
Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
-- Samuel Johnson
17 Jul 2026
In real life it is always the anvil that breaks the hammer.
-- George Orwell
16 Jul 2026
All I wanted was to make the world a better place... and to make an assload of money.
-- Jodene Sparks
15 Jul 2026
Religion is fundamentally opposed to everything I hold in veneration--courage, clear thinking, honesty, fairness, and, above all, love of the truth.
-- H.L. Mencken
14 Jul 2026
Ah ha-ha, chess! The ancient contest of wits! Two opponenets: mano a mano. Braino a braino. And look! Magnets for ease of travel! You could play chess on the moon!
-- The Tick
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