Last 30 Quotes of the Day

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22 Oct 2020

There's a fine line between the Bold Romantic Gesture and creepy stalking, and it's not always clear how to distinguish one from the other. The tricky crux of the matter is that it depends entirely on how it's going to be received, which unfortunately the impetuous suitor/creepy stalker has lost the ability to gauge. My friend Alex reports that all the women he's polled have been enthusiastic advocates of the Bold Romantic Gesture, but this, he suspects, is because they're all automatically picturing John Cusack making it, not Steve Buscemi or Peter Lorre or the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Often you just don't know whether you're the hero of a date movie or the villain on a Lifetime Network special until the restraining order arrives.
-- Tim Kreider


21 Oct 2020

Wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which piles up first!
-- Crow T. Robot


20 Oct 2020

When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.
-- Ron Swanson


19 Oct 2020

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
-- Jack Handey


18 Oct 2020

Hey, wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other? Like those sailors did in that film, um..."We Ended Up Having To Eat Each Other."
-- Neil Pye


17 Oct 2020

I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
-- Stephen Wright


16 Oct 2020

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
-- Mark Twain


15 Oct 2020

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
-- Jack Handey


14 Oct 2020

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
-- Jean-Paul Sartre


13 Oct 2020

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
-- Laurie Anderson


12 Oct 2020

No, forget the glass Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.
-- Sterling Archer


11 Oct 2020

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.
-- Albert Einstein


10 Oct 2020

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
-- Arthur C. Clarke


09 Oct 2020

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the same sense and to the same extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-- H.L. Mencken


08 Oct 2020

I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.
-- Randal Graves


07 Oct 2020

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
-- Matt Groening (Love is Hell)


06 Oct 2020

Beware of the fish people, they are the true enemy.
-- Frank Zappa


05 Oct 2020

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
-- Mark Twain


04 Oct 2020

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
-- Mark Twain


03 Oct 2020

As flames engulf earth, the last human survivor bites his lip, uses the blood to wet his throat & with his final breath, whispers "MAGA."
-- Kumail Nanjiani (via Twitter)


02 Oct 2020

Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.
-- Homer J. Simpson


01 Oct 2020

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
-- Jack Handey


30 Sep 2020

Oh no! Not the magnet!
-- Bender Unit 22


29 Sep 2020

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
-- Homer J. Simpson


28 Sep 2020

Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design would be accurate.
-- K.E. Iverson


27 Sep 2020

I'm a superhero, Mother. An effete British superhero.
-- Blue Raja


26 Sep 2020

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
-- Jeremy S. Anderson


25 Sep 2020

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter Thompson


24 Sep 2020

The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question.
-- Stephen Jay Gould


23 Sep 2020

The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best dangerous.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup (The C++ Programming Language)


An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!