15 Sep 2024
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
-- Mort Sahl
14 Sep 2024
Colonel Klink, why have you forsaken me?
-- Homer J. Simpson
13 Sep 2024
I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
-- Terry Pratchett
12 Sep 2024
I don't own a computer, or a modem, or anything like that; I still work on a manual typewriter, by choice, and to those who consider me a Luddite I say: Fuck you and yo mama. I operate at the level of technology that best suits my needs. And I type at 120 words per minute --two fingers --I make no mistakes, and my manuscripts are real. You can pick them up and hold them. My typewriter doesn't dump it's memory --I don't lose a book.
-- Harlan Ellison
11 Sep 2024
Words are the litmus paper of the minds. If you find yourself in the power of someone who will use the word "commence" in cold blood, go somewhere else very quickly. But if they say "Enter", don't stop to pack.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)
10 Sep 2024
As in certain cults it is possible to kill a process if you know its true name.
-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
09 Sep 2024
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
08 Sep 2024
Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun.
-- Nelson Muntz
07 Sep 2024
I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.
-- Randal Graves
06 Sep 2024
Indeed, history is nothing more than a tableau of crimes and misfortunes.
-- Voltaire
05 Sep 2024
You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
-- Douglas Adams
04 Sep 2024
Talent is cheap, and many talents treat themselves cheaply.
-- Bill Evans
03 Sep 2024
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-- Voltaire
02 Sep 2024
He wrapped himself in quotations- as a beggar would enfold himself in the purple of Emperors.
-- Rudyard Kipling
01 Sep 2024
You know what, I am gonna have that third steak after all.
-- Ron Swanson
31 Aug 2024
It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
30 Aug 2024
Don't tell me God works in mysterious ways. There's nothing so mysterious about it. He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about- a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverance can you have for a Supreme being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of creation? What in the world was going through that warped, evil, scatalogical mind of His when He robbed old people of the ability to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain....
Who created the dangers? Oh, He was really being charitable to us when He gave us pain! Why couldn't He have used a doorbell instead to notify us, or one of His celestial choirs? Or a system of red and blue neon tubes right in the middle of each person's forehead?....
They certainly look beautiful now, writhing in agony or stupified with morphine, don't they? What a colossal, immortal blunderer! When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering. It's obvious He never met a payroll. Why,no self-respecting businessman would hire a bungler like Him as even a shipping clerk!
-- Yossarian (Catch-22, Joseph Heller)
29 Aug 2024
Goddammit! The world is just filling up with more and more idiots! And the computer is giving them access to the world! They're spreading their stupidity! At least they were contained before--now they're on the loose everywhere!
-- Harlan Ellison
28 Aug 2024
Imagine the people who believe such things and who are not ashamed to ignore, totally, all the patient findings of thinking minds through all the centuries since the Bible was written. And it is these ignorant people, the most uneducated, the most unimaginative, the most unthinking among us, who would make themselves the guides and leaders of us all... I personally resent it bitterly.
-- Isaac Asimov
27 Aug 2024
Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.
-- Gore Vidal
26 Aug 2024
We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our grave singing Halelleuia ...
-- Monty Python
25 Aug 2024
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
-- Jack Handey
24 Aug 2024
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction.
-- Albert Einstein
23 Aug 2024
America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other "cultures," use an atlas or a ham radio.
-- Ron Swanson
22 Aug 2024
He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.
-- Jack Handey
21 Aug 2024
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
-- Emo Philips
20 Aug 2024
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
-- Joseph Heller (Catch-22)
19 Aug 2024
It is undesirable to believe a proposition when there is no ground whatsoever for supposing it is true.
-- Bertrand Russell
18 Aug 2024
You can tell Buddha was never married. Otherwise his wife would have always been saying, "What are you gonna do, sit around like that all day?"
-- Garry Shandling
17 Aug 2024
That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn.
-- Hillel the Elder
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Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!!