Last 30 Quotes of the Day

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02 Aug 2021

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
-- Bertrand Russell

01 Aug 2021

Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.
-- Bender Unit 22

31 Jul 2021

The sciences do not try to explain, they hardly even try to interpret, they mainly make models. By a model is meant a mathematical construct which, with the addition of certain verbal interpretations, describes observed phenomena. The justification of such a mathematical construct is solely and precisely that it is expected to work.
-- Johann Von Neumann

30 Jul 2021

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller

29 Jul 2021

I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
-- Frank Zappa

28 Jul 2021

One of the great attractions of patriotism - it fulfills our worst wishes. In the person of our nation we are able, vicariously, to bully and cheat. Bully and cheat, what's more, with a feeling that we are profoundly virtuous.
-- Aldous Huxley

27 Jul 2021

If only more Christians read their bibles there'd be less Christians.
-- Derek W. Clayton

26 Jul 2021

I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another where the best fruit is.
-- Terry Pratchett

25 Jul 2021

The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
-- Harlan Ellison

24 Jul 2021

There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
-- Terry Pratchett (The Truth)

23 Jul 2021

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
-- Homer J. Simpson

22 Jul 2021

Strippers do nothing for me... but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.
-- Ron Swanson

21 Jul 2021

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
-- Jack Handey

20 Jul 2021

Perhaps it is a peculiarity of mine that despite the fact that I am a professional performer, it is true that I have always preferred playing without an audience.
-- Bill Evans

19 Jul 2021

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
-- Douglas Adams

18 Jul 2021

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
-- Jack Handey

17 Jul 2021

Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine. I'll go build my own lunar lander. With blackjack. And hookers. In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ah, screw the whole thing.
-- Bender Unit 22

16 Jul 2021

How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by a waiter at a nice party?

Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on.

-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"

15 Jul 2021

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
-- George Carlin

14 Jul 2021

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adams

13 Jul 2021

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
-- Dave Barry

12 Jul 2021

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

11 Jul 2021

Criminals are never very amusing. It's because they're failures. Those who make real money aren't counted as criminals. This is a class distinction, not an ethical problem.
-- Orson Welles

10 Jul 2021

The Constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself.
-- John Ciardi

09 Jul 2021

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
-- Dave Barry

08 Jul 2021

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.
-- Ron Swanson

07 Jul 2021

Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
-- Aaron McGruder

06 Jul 2021

I really didn't foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer industry. Not that that tells us very much, of course - the computer industry didn't even foresee that the century was going to end.
-- Douglas Adams

05 Jul 2021

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
-- Jack Handey

04 Jul 2021

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty, not knowing what comes next.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin