Last 30 Quotes of the Day

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23 Jan 2020

Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
-- Robert Heinlein


22 Jan 2020

It ain't over till it's over.
-- Yogi Berra


21 Jan 2020

The creed whose legitimacy is most easily challenged is likely to develop the strongest proselytizing impulse. It is doubtful whether a movement which does not profess some preposterous and patently irrational dogma can be possessed of that zealous drive which "must either win men or destroy the world." It is also plausible that those movements with the greatest inner contradiction between profession and practice-that is to say with a strong feeling of guilt-are likely to be the most fervent in imposing their faith on others.
-- Eric Hoffer, The True Believer, 1951, section 88


20 Jan 2020

Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
-- David Letterman


19 Jan 2020

I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
-- Stephen Wright


18 Jan 2020

If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan


17 Jan 2020

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
-- Mark Twain


16 Jan 2020

It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
-- Thomas Jefferson


15 Jan 2020

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
-- Rita Rudner


14 Jan 2020

Because you guys are my best friends. And I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that figuratively, not literally. Because you guys are so, so important to me. I love you guys, but don't cross me, but you're the best.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III


13 Jan 2020

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
-- Groucho Marx


12 Jan 2020

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


11 Jan 2020

Well, you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
-- Homer J. Simpson


10 Jan 2020

The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be correct.
-- William of Occam


09 Jan 2020

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
-- Mark Twain


08 Jan 2020

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
-- Douglas Adams


07 Jan 2020

Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever.
-- Aristophanes


06 Jan 2020

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke", but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
-- Jack Handey


05 Jan 2020

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
-- Jack Handey


04 Jan 2020

Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions.
-- Albert Einstein


03 Jan 2020

It's taken me all my life to learn what not to play.
-- Dizzy Gillespie


02 Jan 2020

My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them.
-- Penn Jillette


01 Jan 2020

The persistence of erroneous beliefs exacerbates the widespread anachronistic failure to recognize the urgent problems that face humanity on this planet.
-- Murray Gell-Mann


31 Dec 2019

If you want to do evil, science provides the most powerful weapons to do evil; but equally, if you want to do good, science puts into your hands the most powerful tools to do so.
-- Richard Dawkins


30 Dec 2019

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.
-- Mark Twain


29 Dec 2019

Indeed, history is nothing more than a tableau of crimes and misfortunes.
-- Voltaire


28 Dec 2019

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
-- Jon Stewart


27 Dec 2019

The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.
-- Sir Richard F. Burton


26 Dec 2019

If you doubt that it is stinky personality that is the driving force behind conservative politics, look back to your pre political youth. A dollar to a doughnut everyone of those childhood friends and acquaintances who was an asshole then is a conservative today.
-- Rack Jite


25 Dec 2019

This restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I ordered french toast in the renaissance.
-- Stephen Wright


Are you guys lined up for the METHADONE PROGRAM or FOOD STAMPS??