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Intelligent Design
Basically, Intelligent Design is the idea that life on earth is too complex to have evolved without a guiding hand. We’re not saying it’s god, just someone with the basic skill set to create an entire universe.
— Jon Stewart
Nerd Test
I should get some extra credit for closing the img tag correctly.
Take a hint
New Rule: America must recall the president. That’s what this country needs. A good, old-fashioned, California-style recall election! Complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars. And just like Schwarzenegger’s predecessor here in California, George Bush is now so unpopular, he must defend his jog against…Russell Crowe. Because at this point, I want a leader who will throw a phone at somebody. In fact, let’s have only phone throwers. Naomi Campbell can be the vice-president!
Now, I kid, but seriously, Mr. President, this job can’t be fun for you anymore. There’s no more money to spend. You used up all of that. You can’t start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people.
Yeah, listen to your mom. The cupboard’s bare, the credit card’s maxed out, and no one is speaking to you: mission accomplished! Now it’s time to do what you’ve always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service. And the oil company. And the baseball team. It’s time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or spaceman?!
Now, I know what you’re saying. You’re saying that there’s so many other things that you, as president, could involve yourself in…Please don’t. I know, I know, there’s a lot left to do. There’s a war with Venezuela, and eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote. But, sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You’ve performed so poorly I’m surprised you haven’t given yourself a medal. You’re a catastrophe that walks like a man.
Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes.
On your watch, we’ve lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans…Maybe you’re just not lucky!
I’m not saying you don’t love this country. I’m just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak to you, and what he’s saying is, “Take a hint.”
— Bill Maher
Old Files
I found these restoring some files from a floppy (5.25 inch). The first set are the source files for my master’s thesis (to be processed by nroff). The second set are source files for a data analysis program I wrote. Check out the dates — yes, those dates are correct.
(more…)Simple Solutions to Common Household Problems
(stolen from Dark Bilious Vapors)
- Leak stain on ceiling. Cut a piece of plywood into a square. Nail it over the stain. Put a handle on it. Tell everyone it’s the door to your attic. (Not recommended for basement apartments).
- Ant invasion. In a four-litre pail mix together two litres of water, 500 grams of abrasive cleanser and two tablespoons of dish detergent. Find the spot where the ants are getting into the house, pick them up one- by-one and drown them in your pail. Or simply squoosh them with your shoes and use the mixture to clean up the mess.
- Crayon marks on wall. Grasp in right hand one paint scraper about 30cm long. With left hand, grab rotten offspring who made the marks and threaten to apply scraper to his video game collection if this happens again. Break all his crayons.
- Doggie-doo on lawn. Carefully measure one litre of unleaded gasoline into metal container. Place container under coat and follow offending dog and owner home. Burn down their house.
- Crabgrass. In one corner of your lawn, assemble your mower, rake, shovel and weed killer. Using right index finger, dial any asphalt company. Have them come over and pave your lawn — mower, rake, shovel and weed killer included.
- Cigarette burn on rug. Cut one lemon in half. Squeeze juice into large glass of gin mixed 50-50 with tonic. Add ice. Drink enough glasses of this solution until burn becomes blurry. Move couch over mark.
- Dirty paint brushes. Soak brushes in pail of paint remover. Read paint remover directions carefully. Notice they say solvent should not be inhaled. Move brushes and can to airy place — like the backyard. Notice that solvent can kill grass. Move can and brushes up off lawn onto suitable surface like, say, barbecue. Now notice that solvent is highly flammable…
- Annoying drips. Don’t invite them over anymore.
Major Disasters of Bush Administration
(from the Daily Show)
Looks like Bush disasters are happening in alphabetical order and we’re only up to K!
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
(via email)
The Answer is TEN:
- One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
- One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the
light bulb needs to be changed;
- One to blame Clinton for burning out the light
bulb;
- One to tell the nations of the world that they are
either for changing the light bulb or for eternal
darkness;
- One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to
Halliburton for the new light bulb;
- One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a
janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner
‘Bulb Accomplished’;
- One administration insider to resign and in detail
reveal how Bush was literally ‘in the dark’ the whole
time;
- One to viciously smear No. 7;
- One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on
how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing
policy all along;
- And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
2005 DCA World Championships – Scranton, PA
Chicago Hot Dogs
(via Dark Bilious Vapors)
NOMINATED AS ONE OF CHICAGO’S WONDERS: Chicago Hot Dogs :
Not much in this world is perfect.
The Chicago Hot Dog is perfect.
Boiled or steamed, not grilled, it lies regally in a lightly steamed poppy-seed bun and is anointed with:
- Diced onion
- Tomato wedges
- Pickle relish the color of Kryptonite
- Yellow mustard
- A few sport peppers
- A dill pickle spear
- A shake of celery salt
There’s your classic Chicago-style dog, a perfect teaming of tastes and colors and textures.
Boiled or steamed, not grilled, it lies regally in a lightly steamed poppy-seed bun and is anointed with:
We don’t have to mention, no ketchup! None! Ever! Do we?
Pretty good, but remove the radioactive relish and substitute a good brown mustard for the yellow, and it would be a bit closer to perfection for me (yes, I know I might get flack from Chicagoans for messing with “perfection”).