Happy Holidays

Christmas is an awfulness that compares favorably with the great London plague and fire of 1665-66. No one escapes the feelings of mortal dejection, inadequacy, frustration, loneliness, guilt and pity. No one escapes feeling used by society, by religion, by friends and relatives, by the utterly artificial responsibilities of extending false greetings, sending banal cards, reciprocating unsolicited gifts, going to dull parties, putting up with acquaintances and family one avoids all the rest of the year…in short, of being brutalized by a “holiday” that has lost virtually all of its original meanings and has become a merchandising ploy for color tv set manufacturers and ravagers of the woodlands.
— Harlan Ellison

Happy Thanksgiving

Cincinnati when the turkeys fell
frank zappa

Top Ten Thanksgiving Movies in Times Square

  1. Turkey Sluts

  2. The Pantsless Pilgrim

  3. Debbie Does the Old Plymouth Colony

  4. Jurassic Pork

  5. Eat This

  6. Candy and Her Yams

  7. The Master Baster

  8. Three Men and a Drumstick

  9. Stuffing Miss Daisy

  10. Butterballs

— David Letterman

If you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, “Boy, these are good cigars!”
— Jack Handey

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