Cheney’s Legislative Career by the Numbers
96th Congress: 4 Sponsored; 0 became Law
97th Congress: 4 Sponsored: 0 became Law
98th Congress: 8 Sponsored: 0 became Law
99th Congress: 7 Sponsored: 1 became Law
(H.R.1246 : A bill to establish a federally declared floodway for the Colorado River below Davis Dam.)
100th Congress: 7 Sponsored: 1 became Law (H.R.712 : A bill for the relief of Lawrence K. Lunt.)
101st Congress: 1 Sponsored: 0 became Law
WASHINGTON (Reuters) – A campaign worker for President Bush said on Thursday American workers unhappy with low-quality jobs should find new ones — or pop a Prozac to make themselves feel better.
“Why don’t they get new jobs if they’re unhappy — or go on Prozac?” said Susan Sheybani, an assistant to Bush campaign spokesman Terry Holt.
OK, maybe not the best, but still pretty good: www.sweetjesusihatebilloreilly.com
By Rich Proctor
OPENING PRAYER read by Mel Gibson, while being flogged with a spiked leather strap wielded by Ann Coulter, who will enjoy it a little too much.
- TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to RED.
- LEST WE FORGET — HONORARY ROLL CALL of All Members of (and Friends of) Bush Administration Who Might Very Well Have Been Killed In Vietnam If It Hadn’t Been For Nasty Trick Knees, Anal Cysts, Recurrent Headaches, and Highly-Placed, Overly-Protective Parents. (Sponsored by Tyson Chicken)
- ANTONIN SCALIA speaks — “SLAVERY – THE ORIGINAL INTENT OF OUR FOREFATHERS, AND GREAT FOR BUSINESS! (Sponsored by Wal-Mart)
- DICK CHENEY hosts AMBASSADORSHIP RAFFLE – Opening Bid 1,000,000 (cash, non-sequential bills 20’s or less)
- CLIMAX OF THE EVENING — FILM – “BRING IT ON!” Stirring fictionalized re-creation of Mr. Bush’s actual dental appointment in Alabama in 1972, where he showed the incredible courage to allow “deep cleaning” of gums without anesthetic. (Sponsored by Sinclair Broadcasting)
- SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT — “GET BAKED WITH RUSH ‘Crankster’ LIMBAUGH!” (Location TBD) (Sponsored by Pfizer)
OPENING PRAYER read by Our Lord (The Passion Of) Jesus H. Christ, as channeled by Lt. General William G. “Jerry” Boykin, the man who first revealed that Mr. Bush was chosen by God to lead this country into war against the heathens. Gen. Boykin will then give a short, upbeat presentation on Islam called, “My God can Beat Up Your God.”
- TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FLASHING RED.
- WAYNE LAPIERRE will pry Davy Crockett’s Kentucky Long Rifle out of Charlton Heston’s cold dead fingers (subject to Heston’s death) (Sponsored by Smith & Wesson)
- DESIGNATED BROWN PERSON (Hispanic or Muslim, or possibly an Hispanic Muslim, if we can find one) will speak on how being a brown person doesn’t automatically disqualify you from being a Republican (subject to finding a brown person capable of being bribed to do this — may need professional actor, possibly brought in from third world country)
- CLIMAX OF THE EVENING — PAUL WOLFOWITZ announces American plans to invade Iran, strip them of nuclear weapons, and turn over entire country to Bechtel to be run as a subsidiary. (Wolfowitz will tell anxious voters that the operation will involve 200 out-sourced “consultants”, will take one week and will be entirely funded by pocket change found in a White House couch.) (Sponsored by Halliburton)
- SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT — “RIDE THE WAVE WITH RUSH ‘Big Oxy’ LIMBAUGH!” (Do a couple of ‘ringers’ with Big Pharma — sponsored by ROBITUSSIN)
OPENING PRAYER by the REVEREND JERRY FALWELL who will demonstrate the spirit of Compassionate Conservatism and the eternal mercy of God by wishing a horrible fiery death and an eternity in the pit of hell for all non-white, non-male, non-Christian non-heterosexual non-Republicans.
- TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to PULSATING RED
- THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF INSANELY RICH PERSONS (AAIRP) will present LAURA BUSH with A PLATINUM CHAINSAW in thanks for the Bush Administration tax cuts (Sponsored by Gulfstream)
- ANN COULTER, BILL O’REILLY and SEAN HANNITY will lead a special TWO-MINUTE HATE aimed at photo of John Kerry.
- CLIMAX OF THE EVENING — DIEBOLD CORPORATION WILL ANNOUNCE ELECTION RETURNS – BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION WITH 51% OF VOTE (YET TO BE CAST). (JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA will certify vote results) Diebold Board member Wilbur H. Grafton will deny fraud, announce his retirement, and be named the new Ambassador to Jamaica. (Sponsored by Diebold)
- SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT — “GET WRECKED WITH RUSH ‘Kicker’ LIMBAUGH (sponsored by Eli Lilly)
SEPTEMBER 2 (nomination night)
OPENING PRAYER by ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT, who will then sing “Let the Eagle Soar” and light the ceremonial “TORCH OF FREEDOM with the (actual) Bill of Rights.
- TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FIRE ENGINE RED, and ANNOUNCES CAPTURE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN.
- CONVENTION SHIFTS TO “GROUND ZERO” — DICK CHENEY will introduce and personally re-nominate PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, who WILL IMPALE OSAMA BIN LADEN WITH DAVY CROCKETT’S KENTUCKY LONG RIFLE donated by Wayne LaPierre (Sponsored by NRA)
- PRESIDENT BUSH WILL GIVE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, standing on Osama’s dead body.
FIRST PEEK – Here is the proposed text for President Bush’s speech:
Hey, Freedom-Lovers! 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The Course Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things are great Jesus speaks to me 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The Course Evil-doers 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things are great Jesus speaks to me. G’night everybody!
POST CEREMONY CLOSING NIGHT PARTY OPPORTUNITIES:
- “GET MAXED with RUSH ‘ROCKET CAP’ LIMBAUGH!” (Sponsored by GlaxoSmithKline)
- RICK SANTORUM ‘”OG ON DOG'” PETTING ZOO (adults only, please)
- BILL O’REILLY SHOWS OFF PULITZER PRIZE, ACADEMY AWARD, AND NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
- SPECIAL BUFFET — JOHN ASHCROFT will PERSONALLY EXORCISE A KINDLE OF CALICO KITTENS, BARBECUE THEM, AND SERVE THEM ON CANAPES (sponsored by KRAFT “Thick N’ Spicy” BBQ Sauce)
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) – Republican Gov. Jeb Bush has tried for months to persuade Florida voters touchscreen voting machines are reliable. His own party apparently hasn’t gotten the message.
The state GOP paid for a flier critical of the new technology and sent it to some south Florida voters where a primary election is scheduled next month.
“The new electronic voting machines do not have a paper ballot to verify your vote in case of a recount,” the message states. “Make sure your vote counts. Order your absentee ballot today.”
That’s what Democrats and a coalition of civil rights groups have been saying in legal challenges, trying to force the state to provide a paper trail in case the touchscreen machines malfunction.
“It is insulting that the leadership’s own party would believe that the system is broke,” said Sharon Lettman Pacheco, spokeswoman for People for the American Way.
(via Letters of Marque)The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell – The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
|Purgatory (Repenting Believers)||Very Low|
|Level 1 – Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)||High|
|Level 2 (Lustful)||High|
|Level 3 (Gluttonous)||High|
|Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)||Low|
|Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)||Moderate|
|Level 6 – The City of Dis (Heretics)||Very High|
|Level 7 (Violent)||Moderate|
|Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)||Low|
|Level 9 – Cocytus (Treacherous)||Low|
Take the Dante’s Divine Comedy Inferno Test
(via The Talent Show)
The following assertions were collected from public statements made by George W. Bush and his official spokesmen since 1997. Originally from Harper’s Magazine, May 2004.
The President of the United States is not a fact-checker.
I’m not a statistician.
I’m not a numbers-cruncher.
I’m not one of these bean counters.
I’m not very analytical.
I’m not a precision guy.
The President is not a micromanager.
I’m not a member of the legislative branch.
The President is not a rubber stamp for the Congress.
I’m not a censor-guy.
I’m not a lawyer.
I’m not a doctor.
The President is not an economist.
I’m not a stockbroker or a stock-picker.
I’m not a forecaster.
I’m not a predictor.
I’m not a pollster, a poll-reader guy.
I’m not a very good prognosticator of elections.
I’m not a committee chairman.
I’m not of the Washington scene.
I’m not a lonely person.
I’m not a poet.
I’m not a very good novelist.
I’m not a textbook player.
I’m not an emailer.
I’m not a very long-winded person.
I’m not a very formal guy.
I am not a revengeful person.
I’m not an Iraqi citizen.
I’m not a divider.
I am not a unilateralist.
I’m not a tree, I’m a Bush.
Paris Business Review / Revue des Affaires de Paris
There is no “Paris Business Review” and Bill O’Reilly is a liar.
O’REILLY: Now if the [Canadian] government — if your government harbors
these two deserter [sic], doesn’t send them back … there will be a
boycott of your country which will hurt your country enormously. France
is now feeling that sting.
MALLICK: I don’t think for a moment such a boycott would take place
because we are your biggest trading partners.
O’REILLY: No, it will take place, madam. In France …
MALLICK: I don’t think that your French boycott has done too well
O’REILLY: …they’ve lost billions of dollars in France according to
“The Paris Business Review.”
MALLICK: I think that’s nonsense.
Media Matters for America found no evidence of a publication named “The
Paris Business Review.” A Google.com search revealed no mentions of
“Paris Business Review,” “Revue des Affaires de Paris,” or any similar
French name. A LexisNexis search for “Paris,” “France,” or “French”
within five words of “business review” produced no relevant results.
There is a journal called “European Business Review,” which is published
in England; however, over the past two years, “European Business Review”
has not mentioned an American boycott of France.
Furthermore, contrary to O’Reilly’s claim that France has lost “billions
of dollars” due to an American boycott, American imports from
France have actually increased since international tensions with France
began in the months prior to the start of the war in Iraq in March 2003.
According to the U.S.
Census Bureau, in February 2004, the United States imported $2.26
billion in French goods and services, up from $2.18 billion in February