(via Dark Bilious Vapors)
Your Linguistic Profile:
|60% General American English|
|0% Upper Midwestern|
I’ve had want amounted to free DSL for the past six months. That’s right, my previous DSL provider hasn’t charged me since August 2004. Around the beginning of April 2005, the service started to seriously degrade, so I started looking for alternatives. On April 4, I decided to switch our service to a national DSL provider. Coincidentally, SBC started pulling the plug on the DSL provider which so kindly gave almost six months of free service that week. Fortunately, we were without broadband access for only about 6 days.
It turns out my previous DSL provider officially went out of business in October 2004, but never bothered to tell anyone.
(via Straight Goods)
Like many of you, I have been compelled by recent events to prepare a more detailed advance directive dealing with end-of-life issues. Here’s what mine says:
- In the event I lapse into a persistent vegetative state, I want medical authorities to resort to extraordinary means to prolong my hellish semi-existence. Fifteen years wouldn’t be long enough for me.
- I want my wife and my parents to compound their misery by engaging in a bitter and protracted feud that depletes their emotions and their bank accounts.
- I want my wife to ruin the rest of her life by maintaining an interminable vigil at my bedside. I’d be really jealous if she waited less than a decade to start dating again or otherwise rebuilding a semblance of a normal life.
- I want my case to be turned into a circus by losers and crackpots from around the country who hope to bring meaning to their empty lives by investing the same transient emotion in me that they once reserved for Laci Peterson, Chandra Levy, and that little girl who got stuck in a well.
- I want those crackpots to spread vicious lies about my wife.
- I want to be placed in a hospice where protesters can gather to bring further grief and disruption to the lives of dozens of dying patients and families whose stories are sadder than my own.
- I want the people who attach themselves to my case because of their deep devotion to the sanctity of life to make death threats against any judges, elected officials or health care professionals who disagree with them.
- I want the medical geniuses and philosopher kings who populate the Florida Legislature to ignore me for more than a decade and then turn my case into a forum for weeks of politically calculated bloviation.
- I want total strangers — oily politicians, maudlin news anchors, ersatz friars, and all other hangers-on — to start calling me “Bobby”, as if they had known me since childhood.
- I’m not insisting on this as part of my directive, but it would be nice if Congress passed a “Bobby’s Law” that applied only to me and ignored the medical needs of tens of millions of other Americans without adequate health coverage.
- Even if the “Bobby’s Law” idea doesn’t work out, I want Congress — especially all those self-described conservatives who claim to believe in “less government and more freedom” — to trample on the decisions of doctors, judges and other experts who actually know something about my case. And I want members of Congress to launch into an extended debate that gives them another excuse to avoid pesky issues such as national security and the economy.
- In particular, I want House Majority Leader Tom DeLay to use my case as an opportunity to divert the country’s attention from the mounting political and legal troubles stemming from his slimy misbehavior.
- And I want Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist to make a mockery of his Harvard medical degree by misrepresenting the details of my case in ways that might give a boost to his 2008 presidential campaign.
- I want Frist and the rest of the world to judge my medical condition on the basis of a snippet of dated and demeaning videotape that should have remained private.
- Because I think I would retain my sense of humor even in a persistent vegetative state, I’d want President Bush — the same guy who publicly mocked Karla Faye Tucker when signing off on her death warrant as governor of Texas — to claim he was intervening in my case because it is always best “to err on the side of life.”
- I want the state Department of Children and Families to step in at the last moment to take responsibility for my well-being, because nothing bad could ever happen to anyone under DCF’s care.
- And because Gov. Jeb Bush is the smartest and most righteous human being on the face of the Earth, I want any and all of the aforementioned directives to be disregarded, if the governor happens to disagree with them. If he says he knows what’s best for me, I won’t be in any position to argue.
— Paul R Ehrlich
Here’s another living will.
(from the this is probably only funny if you’ve lived in Saint Louis dept.)
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This post has been moved.
(via Morning Sedition)
Many of you may know that the Rev. Jerry Falwell is in critical condition with his second bout of viral pneumonia in five weeks. Granted, any time you mention Jerry Falwell, one feels compelled to denounce the hateful, violent rhetoric he has engaged in for the past 40 years and point out the money he’s made off the intolerance of others, but that will have to be saved for another time. Out of respect for another human being who is critically ill, we devote the remainder of today’s blog entry to Reverend Falwell, in his own words:
“I put all the blame legally and morally on the actions of the terrorist, [but America’s] secular and anti-Christian environment left us open to our Lord’s [decision] not to protect. When a nation deserts God and expels God from the culture … the result is not good… The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way — all of them who have tried to secularize America — I point the finger in their face and say, ‘You helped this happen.’” – 9/13/01, on The 700 Club with Pat Robertson
“Militant homosexuals are plotting a dangerously different future for America… Militant homosexuals plan to take over both major political parties. Militant homosexuals plan to force every major American corporation to set official policies giving them favored job status . . . to pass laws forcing churches and Christian schools to hire homosexuals and lesbians even if they flaunt their life style.” – Washington Post, 9/27/84
On separation of church and state:
“The idea that religion and politics don’t mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.” – NYTimes, 5/25/86
“The true Negro does not want integration. He realizes his potential is far better among his own race. Who then is propagating this terrible thing? First of all, we see the hand of Moscow in the background . . .” – 1958 sermon
Get well soon, Jerry.
Doctor Who? –
… do you know this man? Contact Clive here.
Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I’ll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
— Harlan Ellison