How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

(via email)

The Answer is TEN:

  1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

  2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

  3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

  4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;

  5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

  6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner ‘Bulb Accomplished’;

  7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally ‘in the dark’ the whole time;

  8. One to viciously smear No. 7;

  9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

  10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Chicago Hot Dogs

(via Dark Bilious Vapors)

NOMINATED AS ONE OF CHICAGO’S WONDERS: Chicago Hot Dogs :

Not much in this world is perfect.

The Chicago Hot Dog is perfect.

Boiled or steamed, not grilled, it lies regally in a lightly steamed poppy-seed bun and is anointed with:

  • Diced onion
  • Tomato wedges
  • Pickle relish the color of Kryptonite
  • Yellow mustard
  • A few sport peppers
  • A dill pickle spear
  • A shake of celery salt

There’s your classic Chicago-style dog, a perfect teaming of tastes and colors and textures.

Boiled or steamed, not grilled, it lies regally in a lightly steamed poppy-seed bun and is anointed with:

We don’t have to mention, no ketchup! None! Ever! Do we?

Pretty good, but remove the radioactive relish and substitute a good brown mustard for the yellow, and it would be a bit closer to perfection for me (yes, I know I might get flack from Chicagoans for messing with “perfection”).

Five reasons NOT to use Linux

(via Linux-Watch)

Reason number one: Linux is too complicated

Even with the KDE and GNOME graphical windowing interfaces, it’s possible — not likely, but possible — that you’ll need to use a command line now and again, or edit a configuration file.

Compare that with Windows where, it’s possible — not likely, but possible — that you’ll need to use a command line now and again, or edit the Windows registry, where, as they like to tell you, one wrong move could destroy your system forever.

Reason number two: Linux is a pain to set up

It’s true. After all, with modern Linuxes like Xandros Desktop or SimplyMEPIS, you need to put in a CD or DVD, press the enter button, give your computer a name, and enter a password for the administrator account.

Gosh, that’s hard.

On the other hand, with Windows, all you have to do is put in a CD or DVD, do all the above, and then immediately download all the available patches. After all, Symantec has found that an unpatched Windows PC connected to the Internet will last only a few hours before being compromised.

Unpatched Linux systems? Oh, they last months, but what’s the fun of that?

Reason number three: Linux doesn’t have enough applications

Really now. I mean, most Linux systems only come with secure Web browsers, like Firefox; e-mail clients, like Evolution; IM clients, like GAIM; office suites, like OpenOffice.org 2.0; Web page editors, like Nvu; and on, and on, and…

Microsoft, on the other hand, gives you Internet Explorer and Outlook Express, the most popular Web browser and e-mail client around — even though they do have a few little, teeny-weeny problems. Of course, Windows also has an IM-client, Windows Messenger, which, come to think of it, has also had some problems.

And, Microsoft also has Microsoft Office, which — oh wait, you don’t get that with the operating system, do you? You also don’t get a Web page editor either, do you?

Well, still, with Windows you get so many more choices of software, don’t you? Like Lotus 1-2… oh really? I didn’t know that. Or, WordPerfect… oh, pretty much dead too.

Still, so long as you want to run Microsoft programs at Microsoft prices, Windows is the operating system for you!

Reason number 4: Linux isn’t secure

If Microsoft says so, it has to be true! So what, if you can scarcely go a week without reading about yet another major Windows security problem in our sister publication, eWEEK.com’s security section! Who would you rather believe — Microsoft, or your own eyes?

Reason number 5: Linux is more expensive

Are you calling Microsoft a liar? Those nasty Linux companies, like Red Hat or Novell/SUSE charge you a fee for support. Others, like Linspire sell you the product. How dare they, when you can download free, fully-functional versions of almost all the Linux distributions.

Your computer, on the other hand, almost certainly came with Windows pre-installed! For free!

Oh wait, it’s not free? Windows’ actually makes up a large percentage of your PC’s price?

Hmmm. Well, still, it’s already on there, and it has everything you need.

Right? Of course, right!

Except, of course, you might still want to buy an anti-viral program (Norton Anti-Virus: $40), anti-spyware software (McAfee Anti-Spyware: $25); and a full-featured firewall (Zone Alarm Pro: $35). But, hey, who needs those when you have a secure operating system like Windows!

And so…

When you really think about it, you can see why there are lots of reasons not to use Linux.

There just aren’t any good ones.

–Steven J. Vaughan-Nichols

You don’t have to teach both sides of a debate, if one side is a load of crap

New Rule: You don’t have to teach both sides of a debate, if one side is a load of crap.

Now, President Bush recently suggested that public schools should teach intelligent design, alongside the theory of evolution. Because, after all, evolution is quote, “just a theory.” Then the President renewed his vow to drive the terrorists straight over the edge of the earth.

Now, here is what I don’t get. President Bush is a brilliant scientist. He’s the man who proved you can mix two parts booze with one part cocaine, and still fly a jet fighter. And yet… yet he just can’t seem to accept that we descended from apes.

It just seems pathetic to be so insecure about your biological superiority, to a group of feces-flinging, rouge-buttocked monkeys, that you have to make up fairy tales. Like we came from Adam and Eve, and then cover stories for Adam and Eve like, intelligent design. Yeah, leaving the Earth in the hands of two naked teenagers. That’s a real intelligent design.

I’m sorry, folks, but it may very well may be that life is just a series of random events. And that there is no… master plan. But enough about Iraq. Let me instead restate my thesis. There aren’t necessarily two sides to every issue. If there were, the Republicans would have an opposition party.

And an opposition party would point out that even though there’s a debate, in schools, and government, about this, there is no debate among scientists. Evolution… is supported by the entire scientific community. Intelligent design is supported by guys online to see “The Dukes of Hazzard.”

And the reason there is no real debate, is that intelligent design isn’t real science. It’s the equivalent of saying that the thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, because it’s a god. It’s so willfully ignorant you might as well worship the U.S. Mail. It came again! Praise, Jesus!
— Bill Maher

Radical cleric Pat Robertson issuse a fatwa against Hugo Chavez

(from the this sort of thing makes the baby Jesus cry dept.)

Robertson called for the assassination of Venezuela’s president:


You know, I don’t know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we’re trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It’s a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. And I don’t think any oil shipments will stop. But this man is a terrific danger and the United … This is in our sphere of influence, so we can’t let this happen. We have the Monroe Doctrine, we have other doctrines that we have announced. And without question, this is a dangerous enemy to our south, controlling a huge pool of oil, that could hurt us very badly. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don’t need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It’s a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with.

— Pat Robertson, The 700 Club (August 22, 2005)

Conservative Blogger Lexicon

(via Eschaton)

Update your dictionaries!

rac·ism n.

Disagreeing with or disliking Michelle Malkin

sex·ism n.
Disagreeing with or disliking Michelle Malkin

ho·mo·pho·bi·a n.
1. Making fun of Jeff Gannon

2. Making fun of The Claremont Institute’s John Hindraker’s gay-porny nom de keyboard
3. Disagreeing with Andrew Sullivan when Andrew Sullivan is agreeing with Bush

an·ti-Sem·i·tism n.
1. Disagreeing with Dick Cheney.
2. Believing that there is a such thing as a neoconservative.

3. Being a Democrat.

the troops in the field n. My belief that I am much more intelligent and credible than available evidence would suggest: your criticism of my ever-shifting, impossible-to-pin-down rationale for invading Iraq is undermining the troops in the field.

The Left n.

1. You.
2. Jane Fonda and Noam Chomsky.
3. Everybody less conservative than me and all Democrats except Zell Miller.
4. Everybody less conservative than me and all Democrats except Zell Miller and present company.
5. Nobody, really.
6. Everybody I hate.
7. A quantum superposition of the above definitions.

ter·ror·ists n.

1. Those that engage in acts or an act of terrorism.
2. The Left

God is a waffler


NEW RULE: God is a waffler. Pat Robertson said God told him that Iraq would be a bloody disaster. But the same God told George Bush it wouldn’t, which so surprised Robertson, he almost dropped the pennies he was stealing off a dead woman’s eyes. But why is God talking out of two sides of his mouth? Flip-flop. God told us to beat our swords into plowshares. God: Wrong on defense, wrong for America.

— Bill Maher

Yet Another Light Bulb Joke

(printed by fortune in one of my terminal windows today)

Q:

How many crew members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?

A:

Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he’ll immediately claim that he’s a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he “canna” see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have just saved the natives’ from an awful fate and, as a reward, been given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.