But I can explain everything…

Almost always amusing, but the Onion hits one out of the park with this one: Philandering String Theorist Can Explain Everything BATAVIA, IL—Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory physicist Laird Karmann, a noted string theorist and accused philanderer, said Monday that he can “explain everything” if his wife Elizabeth will just give him a chance. “Surely, anyone … Continue reading “But I can explain everything…”

Standard Disclaimer

(printed by fortune in one of my terminal windows today) This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some … Continue reading “Standard Disclaimer”

A sad but true story

And by true, I mean completely false 🙂 (lifted from ThisBlogSucks.com) Little Tommy was in the 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up fireman, policeman, salesman, etc…Tommy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. … Continue reading “A sad but true story”

Take a hint

New Rule: America must recall the president. That’s what this country needs. A good, old-fashioned, California-style recall election! Complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars. And just like Schwarzenegger’s predecessor here in California, George Bush is now so unpopular, he must defend his jog against…Russell Crowe. Because at this point, I want … Continue reading “Take a hint”

Simple Solutions to Common Household Problems

(stolen from Dark Bilious Vapors) Leak stain on ceiling. Cut a piece of plywood into a square. Nail it over the stain. Put a handle on it. Tell everyone it’s the door to your attic. (Not recommended for basement apartments). Ant invasion. In a four-litre pail mix together two litres of water, 500 grams of … Continue reading “Simple Solutions to Common Household Problems”

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

(via email) The Answer is TEN: One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed; One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed; One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb; One to tell the nations of the world that they are either … Continue reading “How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?”