Republican National Convention Schedule

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6:00pmOpening prayer
6:15pmSupplementary opening prayer
6:30pmPrayer in thanks of first two prayers
6:45pmSummary of administration’s energy policy (presented by Exxon)
7:00pmCanonization of Reagan
7:15pmAdditional prayers
7:30pmOpening remarks (presented by Halliburton)
8:00pmPrayer for the safety and well-being of Ken “Kenny-boy” Lay
8:15pmAdditional remarks (presented by Halliburton)
8:30pmStoning of the first homosexual
8:45pmNew healthcare polices (presented by HMO leader, Kaiser Permanente)
9:00pmInvasion of Iran or North Korea (TBA)
9:15pmHalliburton contributes 1.4 billion to Republican party
9:30pmReagan elevated to savior, Holy Trinity now referred to as “the quads”
9:45pmBush undergoes plastic surgery to look more like Reagan
10:00pmCheney runs into Ron Reagan, Jr., tells him to go f*ck himself
10:15pmRecall of troops from accidental invasion of South Korea (Bush: “Damn, the SOUTH is our ally.)
10:30pmBurning at the stake of 16 year-old Jenny Williams, who had an illegal abortion after being raped by her cousin
10:45pmDancing around the golden calf
11:00pmStoning of the partner of the first homosexual
11:15pmNew forestry policy (presented by Weyerhauser)
11:45pmThanking God for his wisdom in choosing Bush as president
12:00pmClosing prayers (lasting until 2:00am)
2:00amHookers arrive for all delegates

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